Musings of a Spiritual Nomad
This has been a strange year for me. I've been struggling to navigate through a crowd of emotions with no idea how to. Wore my heart under my sleeve for fear of showing weakness, deeming the world undeserving of caring for it. After all it's much safer behind these walls right? My theological knowledge may tell me enough to not crumble, but it is no field manual for going toe-to-toe with this unstable heart of mine. My insecurities speak as loud as anyone's. But I know my God will always be louder.
Half a year ago, in my post, HERE., I shared a little about the journey that I've been on, how I've come to the place where I am now. There was much joy and relief in realizing all that, yet it did not come without scars. Not without pain and confusion. I took what I believe to be a step of faith and it was also a turn from something I had planned on doing for so long. And eventually that step turned into a run, hoping that someone would care enough to try and catch me. I am no longer expecting anyone to come. I've tried to find joy in every crevice I can, holding onto whatever drops of faith I have left. I've often felt overwhelmed. Ready to throw in the towel. Lonely. Reminded of why I have a hard time trusting people. Questioned my own value and worth. Moments of solace have been fleeting. But through it all, I can revel in the fact that I am still sane, still pressing on, reminding myself that God always has and always will work all things together.
For a few months, I haven't been going to church regularly. Now for some this may seem small, but it's left me uneasy. I went from being on a church staff and expecting this to be my main line of work to Sundays where going to church is a game-time decision, and most weeks I don't want to. Living apart from a community after being part of one for so long is a little weird. It's tough. I know it's not the healthiest spot to be in. Especially since I'm still involved in leading ministry. It's like I'm wandering around knowing I need a home. I often find myself caught between freedom and fear. I know I can't sit in this spot forever; I'm sure the enemy wants that. I'm fighting to not let anger and bitterness consume me. Trying to not let pride have the last say. But I'm still healing. Still trying to find myself in the midst of all this. "I'm still learning to love the parts of me that no one claps for."*
And so this past year has been a process of drawing back. Laying low. Keeping to myself, for the most part. I closed off my circles. No longer trying to please or appease anyone. I'm committed to taking care of my people, 'cause they've always came first. And in this I'm trying to cling to the Christ as if He's all I got. I am re-learning myself and my faith. I'm so thankful for those who are still here, bearing with me 'cause I know I can't do it alone. I may think I'm better off handling it on my own but damnit, I need y'all. So those who have breathed joy and hope into my life through this past year, thank you. I'm eternally grateful for you.
But where do I go from here? Shoot, we'll see.
*quote from Rudy Fransisco
Half a year ago, in my post, HERE., I shared a little about the journey that I've been on, how I've come to the place where I am now. There was much joy and relief in realizing all that, yet it did not come without scars. Not without pain and confusion. I took what I believe to be a step of faith and it was also a turn from something I had planned on doing for so long. And eventually that step turned into a run, hoping that someone would care enough to try and catch me. I am no longer expecting anyone to come. I've tried to find joy in every crevice I can, holding onto whatever drops of faith I have left. I've often felt overwhelmed. Ready to throw in the towel. Lonely. Reminded of why I have a hard time trusting people. Questioned my own value and worth. Moments of solace have been fleeting. But through it all, I can revel in the fact that I am still sane, still pressing on, reminding myself that God always has and always will work all things together.
For a few months, I haven't been going to church regularly. Now for some this may seem small, but it's left me uneasy. I went from being on a church staff and expecting this to be my main line of work to Sundays where going to church is a game-time decision, and most weeks I don't want to. Living apart from a community after being part of one for so long is a little weird. It's tough. I know it's not the healthiest spot to be in. Especially since I'm still involved in leading ministry. It's like I'm wandering around knowing I need a home. I often find myself caught between freedom and fear. I know I can't sit in this spot forever; I'm sure the enemy wants that. I'm fighting to not let anger and bitterness consume me. Trying to not let pride have the last say. But I'm still healing. Still trying to find myself in the midst of all this. "I'm still learning to love the parts of me that no one claps for."*
And so this past year has been a process of drawing back. Laying low. Keeping to myself, for the most part. I closed off my circles. No longer trying to please or appease anyone. I'm committed to taking care of my people, 'cause they've always came first. And in this I'm trying to cling to the Christ as if He's all I got. I am re-learning myself and my faith. I'm so thankful for those who are still here, bearing with me 'cause I know I can't do it alone. I may think I'm better off handling it on my own but damnit, I need y'all. So those who have breathed joy and hope into my life through this past year, thank you. I'm eternally grateful for you.
But where do I go from here? Shoot, we'll see.
*quote from Rudy Fransisco
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