Fighting Bitterness

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
   and saves the crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:18 (ESV)

Father’s Day is a weird holiday for me, and I’m sure for many others as well. The presence of a father, or any parent, in someone’s life is a huge thing. My dad has been in my life, but his presence hasn’t been very strong. A lot of hurt was caused by him in my family and those scars have not gone away. Even though my father has been around, he didn’t really fulfill that role and as a result, there was a huge void in my life. There were many things he didn’t teach me and things we didn’t do. A countless number of hours we didn’t spend together. Many things in my life he didn’t see. I used to see my friends who had a good relationship with their dads and want that. But our relationship was so far from what one between a father and son should be.

In the past, I had a lot of bitterness and anger towards him for not being the father I wanted him to be or what he was supposed to be. For all the pain in my life caused by him. I used to hate him. And it was evident in the way I interacted with him. It's very easy for me to hold grudges, as sinful as I know it is. But over the past few months God has been working in my heart and changing my view of him and our relationship.

First of all, I forgive him. It took a while for me to, but in light of Christ’s love for me displayed on the cross, there’s no way I can’t, no matter what he’s done. I also reflected on our relationship throughout my life. I remembered some of the things he actually did do instead of focusing so much on the current state of our relationship, the things he didn’t do, and the negative aspects. He tried to love us. Looking past my feelings towards him and the things which caused them, I was able to see that. There was just a lot of miscommunication. He didn’t know how to love us how we wanted him to, but even if what he did wasn’t what we wanted, he still tried. Most importantly, I understand God’s love for him. How much He wants him to come to Him and know Him. There are times when I have a strong burden for him because I know nothing is more important.

Despite these changes, it is definitely still a fight for me to overcome those emotions and love my dad. Our relationship is still broken. But I do love him. And I pray for him. And I hope one day God will restore our relationship. But even if that doesn’t happen I desire for him to know God and have life more than anything. God is the perfect Father, who I cling to and who filled such a large void in my life. He’s healing these wounds and scars I have. My faith is in Christ and His love to continue restoring me, my dad, and our relationship because I know He is the only one who has the power to.

"But now, O LORD, you are our Father;
   we are the clay, and you are our potter;
   we are all the work of your hand." - Isaiah 64:8 (ESV)

God also used this song to speak into this area of my life..

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