A Take on Singleness
To many, what I admit in this might be a surprise and even seem a little crazy. I feel weird trying to add to the conversation on such a popular topic and as I write this I'm still hesitant to do so, afraid to join the pile of cringeworthy contributions. But with as much as I've read and heard on singleness, I can't remember too many that discuss the experience from a male perspective. Maybe that's why I felt so compelled to write this, because I feel like my experience is somewhat unique. So here it is..
I'm 25 now and for just about 99% of my life I've been single. I use to take pride in never having a girlfriend and wore my singleness like a badge of honor. The only dating relationship I've been in failed miserably (my fault) and it was quite the learning experience. Outside of that I've really only been on one date, depending on definition. Still never had my first kiss. Honestly, my mind has often entertained the thought and possibility of being single forever, which used to scare me, but I am learning to be content.
Now trust me, I want to get married. I want someone to adore and share my life with and serve and show off and embarrass; all that good stuff. And if/when that happens it's going down, believe that. My queen will have it all! But in a society where the allure of romance and intimacy has invaded virtually every corner of our lives, I'm learning to be okay with where I'm at. As one of my favorite voices, Ekemini Uwan, wrote, "God is teaching me to hold that desire loosely."*
It's strange because I feel like the ability to win a woman over seems to be a sign of manhood. There is much boasting and pride that comes with this. I have yet to reach that rite of passage. I choose to see dating not as an experiment, but instead a confirmation and it's much more difficult this way. But it's safe, I guess. I've spent little time in pursuit and much time waiting, trying to get to know them from a distance and as friends before making a move. Silly, I know. And evidently, I haven't ever really made it past step one. That's not to say I haven't been interested in any woman. I just have no idea how to communicate attraction. I often attribute my still-singleness to not finding the right one yet or having too long of a checklist, which may be partly true, but really it's me. I might joke about my "love life," or lack of, all the time but that's just the easiest way to cover up insecurities. There's a fear that restrains me. What if my attraction isn't reciprocated? What if our friendship becomes awkward? Am I really ready to change the lifestyle I've been sued to for so long? What if I mess up a good thing? What if I fail get stuck here forever? Fear is such a terrible driver and often takes us down dangerous roads.
Uncertainty lies on both sides of the deal, whether you are the initiator or wanting to be pursued, and sometimes it can be so loud, but let me take a moment to say this.. if you're like me and still waiting, just know that you are worth it. Your singleness is not a reflection of your value. I'm sure most of us have our own version how we want it to pan out. Shoot, you would laugh at all the scenarios I've dreamed up for the perfect romance. But here's the deal: no man or woman is coming to save us because he or she can't. Romance and intimacy are not the mountaintop of our existence. It may get lonely, I know but I also know that the God of the universe is crazy about you. And while we try to find that all-to-elusive love in so many places, a real and unfailing love is given to us. The good news is that in Christ, life and life to the full is offered to us and we don't need no man or woman to experience that. His love casts out fear and uncertainty, and I've been learning to enjoy the fruits of that.
I hate when people say that singleness is a gift 'cause it damn sure don't feel like it most of the time. Or any comments about me still being young and having time; that doesn't lessen the desire in any way. At times, it feels like an ongoing war. Sometimes the fight is with loneliness. Sometimes with shame. Sometimes with envy and bitterness. Sometimes with pity. Sometimes with doubt and uncertainty. But there is so much life to be found despite the lack of our desired relationship status. Part of it is learning to take care of and celebrate ourselves. Make time to enjoy yourself, your freedom, and your time. Man, I still go to shows and concerts and take trips and just do what I like to do. I even take myself out on dates - I tell you, movies and meals are often better alone. Would these things be better with someone? Possibly, but either way we should not let our status restrict our joy. But even more, as I shared earlier, we have a hope and love that transcends all this. We are called to something, or rather Someone, so much greater. I've learned that the Lord has called me to give my life away in this time, as well as for the rest of my life, and I am full in doing that. I've also come to understand the importance of building and maintaining strong connections and community with people. When I stopped seeing every lady in my life as a potential mate, I learned how to enjoy good friendships with them. In many ways, I've found peace in where I am. We shouldn't be in such a rush to get to the other side that we fail to appreciate what is already given to us.
The state of constant singleness is both a beautiful and complex experience. It is no easy task trying to balance contentment and longing. But what the Lord is teaching me in so many aspects of my life is to embrace where He has me. He is in control. He knows what He's doing. And "He has made everything beautiful in its time" (Ecclesiastes 3:11). The Author and Creator breathes color into what we may see as gray. He gives us what we need when we need it. Let us lean into Him. Cherish this time and place. And be satisfied. We gon' be alright.
*From her essay here, which may be the best I've read on singleness.
I'm 25 now and for just about 99% of my life I've been single. I use to take pride in never having a girlfriend and wore my singleness like a badge of honor. The only dating relationship I've been in failed miserably (my fault) and it was quite the learning experience. Outside of that I've really only been on one date, depending on definition. Still never had my first kiss. Honestly, my mind has often entertained the thought and possibility of being single forever, which used to scare me, but I am learning to be content.
Now trust me, I want to get married. I want someone to adore and share my life with and serve and show off and embarrass; all that good stuff. And if/when that happens it's going down, believe that. My queen will have it all! But in a society where the allure of romance and intimacy has invaded virtually every corner of our lives, I'm learning to be okay with where I'm at. As one of my favorite voices, Ekemini Uwan, wrote, "God is teaching me to hold that desire loosely."*
It's strange because I feel like the ability to win a woman over seems to be a sign of manhood. There is much boasting and pride that comes with this. I have yet to reach that rite of passage. I choose to see dating not as an experiment, but instead a confirmation and it's much more difficult this way. But it's safe, I guess. I've spent little time in pursuit and much time waiting, trying to get to know them from a distance and as friends before making a move. Silly, I know. And evidently, I haven't ever really made it past step one. That's not to say I haven't been interested in any woman. I just have no idea how to communicate attraction. I often attribute my still-singleness to not finding the right one yet or having too long of a checklist, which may be partly true, but really it's me. I might joke about my "love life," or lack of, all the time but that's just the easiest way to cover up insecurities. There's a fear that restrains me. What if my attraction isn't reciprocated? What if our friendship becomes awkward? Am I really ready to change the lifestyle I've been sued to for so long? What if I mess up a good thing? What if I fail get stuck here forever? Fear is such a terrible driver and often takes us down dangerous roads.
Uncertainty lies on both sides of the deal, whether you are the initiator or wanting to be pursued, and sometimes it can be so loud, but let me take a moment to say this.. if you're like me and still waiting, just know that you are worth it. Your singleness is not a reflection of your value. I'm sure most of us have our own version how we want it to pan out. Shoot, you would laugh at all the scenarios I've dreamed up for the perfect romance. But here's the deal: no man or woman is coming to save us because he or she can't. Romance and intimacy are not the mountaintop of our existence. It may get lonely, I know but I also know that the God of the universe is crazy about you. And while we try to find that all-to-elusive love in so many places, a real and unfailing love is given to us. The good news is that in Christ, life and life to the full is offered to us and we don't need no man or woman to experience that. His love casts out fear and uncertainty, and I've been learning to enjoy the fruits of that.
I hate when people say that singleness is a gift 'cause it damn sure don't feel like it most of the time. Or any comments about me still being young and having time; that doesn't lessen the desire in any way. At times, it feels like an ongoing war. Sometimes the fight is with loneliness. Sometimes with shame. Sometimes with envy and bitterness. Sometimes with pity. Sometimes with doubt and uncertainty. But there is so much life to be found despite the lack of our desired relationship status. Part of it is learning to take care of and celebrate ourselves. Make time to enjoy yourself, your freedom, and your time. Man, I still go to shows and concerts and take trips and just do what I like to do. I even take myself out on dates - I tell you, movies and meals are often better alone. Would these things be better with someone? Possibly, but either way we should not let our status restrict our joy. But even more, as I shared earlier, we have a hope and love that transcends all this. We are called to something, or rather Someone, so much greater. I've learned that the Lord has called me to give my life away in this time, as well as for the rest of my life, and I am full in doing that. I've also come to understand the importance of building and maintaining strong connections and community with people. When I stopped seeing every lady in my life as a potential mate, I learned how to enjoy good friendships with them. In many ways, I've found peace in where I am. We shouldn't be in such a rush to get to the other side that we fail to appreciate what is already given to us.
The state of constant singleness is both a beautiful and complex experience. It is no easy task trying to balance contentment and longing. But what the Lord is teaching me in so many aspects of my life is to embrace where He has me. He is in control. He knows what He's doing. And "He has made everything beautiful in its time" (Ecclesiastes 3:11). The Author and Creator breathes color into what we may see as gray. He gives us what we need when we need it. Let us lean into Him. Cherish this time and place. And be satisfied. We gon' be alright.
*From her essay here, which may be the best I've read on singleness.
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